saturday march 21 2020
quarantine day 5
when all is quiet
and my heart is free to speak
she asks only for you
it’s you
underneath every thought
every moment
you’re always there
no matter what my eyes rest upon
they’re secretly always searching for you
the only thing i want more than you
is god
i want you more than i want myself
it’s true
i’d easily lose myself for you
if only my life could be consumed with truth
as much as it is by you
perhaps then i could taste the kind of love
i’ve only seemed to find on your lips
…
with you
i am alive
i am happy
it's so simple.
through you
i am
deep in your eyes
i see eternity
this is love.
…
through this experience
i pray to learn
that just as i relentlessly love you
no matter your attention or disposition toward me
god loves me and wants me
ten fold
my desire and love for you
so just as
if you were to truly know
how my heart and soul burn for you
you’d release immediately into the infinite
for you'd realize that nothing elsewhere
could ever be more real, true, or powerful
just as that
may i know god’s burning love for me
so i can finally realize his truth
and rest for eternity in his arms
i am jealous for you
and he is jealous for me
i could learn from your position
can i fully embrace the pain in turning away from you
to dissolve into his divinity?
can i let go of it all?
to turn toward a love that knows no
distance
bounds
or condition?
apparently
such strength i know not
for my will does not seem to be enough
my intentions worthless
my words like dust in the wind
it’s as though my own body forbids me
from saying goodbye to you
because in this madly confusing existence
you're the only thing that’s ever made sense
yet i’ll never stop trying
and who knows…
perhaps i can have both
…
it’s fascinating
how this is so explicitly true right now
but perhaps tomorrow
it will not resonate
just as a few days ago
this was not so strong
once again
i’m left not knowing
what is true
truth only lies in the moment
this is nothing to intellectualize
once the moment is processed
the mind begins to strip away it’s sweetness
like water
may it flow over me
through me
and all around
may i vanish into its current
i want to feel it all
...
it seems as though god
may be disguising himself as you
how clever.
come find me,
i'll be here waiting.
i wear no mask.
kat
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