monday april 6 2020
quarantine day 21
training day 5
repose in awareness
the spaces between
the infinite space that underlies all
when all else is gone, what is left?
loving play.. thats what it feels like
...
in terms of posting these journal entries to the site
itd be interesting to write about the incredible NŚT philosophy I’ve been studying
or… write about my training.
insert:
(this "training", as I'm calling it, is pretty much just a lot of heavy discipline I'm implementing into my day... it's a set schedule or list of things i must complete each day, no excuses)
or idk anything. i have so much interesting stuff happening
so much interesting stuff exists
but the past few days when i sit down to write…
im like, well… what is there?
because when i write, I’m writing to myself, not for an audience
and i already know everything that i know
so what is there to tell?
i want to write something though.
okay so lately, what have i been learning?
ive been reading SUCH resonating and fascinating philosophy in tantra illuminated
ive been learning so much about my power and limitless energy through my training
ive been learning about an open heart & feeling FULLYYY through my relationships.. I’m really emotionally open… its so great.
ive been learning a lot about my fire… a quality that is so pronounced in kat. i usually try to drop it or quiet it, because its usually just violent and destructive and disruptive…its not peaceful and flowy like air or water.. not peaceful and still like earth or ether… its this whole other thing. its such dense and concentrated power. i suppose it could be peaceful and still, like a candle flame, but usually its roaring and burning everything up.
over the past couple years, as I’ve been on the spiritual path, I’ve gotten in a habit of taming the flames.
also over the past few years, I’ve really been battling my energy levels… or what’s known in yoga as the pranic body.
so currently I’m finding balance. i need that fire to fuel me - it’s my energy. but i don’t want it to overpower me… i don't want it to consume me, making me unconscious and begins to not only destroy my enemies, but my comrades as well.
I’m becoming curious to, and letting my fire be quite prominent at the moment. exploring it. but because I’m aware of its potential danger, I’m keeping a close eye on it. it is really helping me though. in terms of my training. but i also notice that my quality of training isn’t the best… like theres a lens of irritation while i do most things but hey, at least I’m doing them. this is me overcoming my perfectionism. you know they always say quality over quantity, but hey to some extent okay? id rather have mediocre food than no food at all. because, and i get this from my dad, if it cant be perfect, then i tend to put it off until “im ready” or “capable” or “have the energy to” and by that system i cant get things done. so i must work even when i feel incapable or tired. and that’s the real test of my power.
now that I’m in the habit of my training, it's now more familiar and less frightening. i need to be more strict. i want to ensure results. not that the training's a waste if i'm not 100% strict, but like cmon. its just more efficient, both of time and energy.
do it. just do it. you are stronger than you know. and actually you do know you’re strong so just do it. if you’re tempted to fall off, repose, get angry, find your power and just do it..
ANNNDD creativity. so ive been drawing some, ya know, but i want to get more creative in things connected to my dreams. i want to create more content and ideas. whether that be more directed writing or artwork, plans for the shala, or recording yoga vids and meditations. idk i wanna do that. getting more creative with my yin classes.
..
also, i just wanted to make a note here in case i wanted to write about it later or tomorrow. I’ve been so interested in this limitless power that i (and everyone) has. i wrote about this when i JUST got back from bali last year. (but then it was a more blissful expansive energy and now its more rough and earthy and fiery) but same quality ya know. anyway. WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE ENEGY THAN WE THINK and its such a synchronicity because i was listening to a podcast while i was laying outside and it was literally talking about the same exact topic. theres too many bubble baths and meditations and blah blah blah… these are important, don’t get me wrong, but we use them as BANDAIDS for doing the REAL work.
i told megan yesterday that when I’m feeling lazy its really a call for me to move. relaxing ACTUALLY feels relaxing when I'm genuinely physically tried. but when I’m lazy, contrary to what my mind and body may tell me I NEED TO MOVE. i have too much energy and its weighing me down essentially. thats why i feel dense. its a call to expand that condensed energy OUTWARD. crazy notion right? like whyyyy was i so blind to this for so long!? thats how i must combat these denseness spells i seem to come under.
okay i am going to write about this better at some point. <turns out i just started writing about it all the way through> its a really important topic.
they can be bandaids for asking the really tough questions. using lidocaine instead of FEELING the hurt. admitting our weakness. admitting that we know nothing. swaddling our egos.
even responding with “uh yeah duh i already know that i know nothing” hey that sounds like you’re being a knower there buddy.
“im not hiding any emotions, i really don’t feel anything right now” okay but by making that statement you are completely severing the opportunity or the possibility for those emotions/traumas/wounds/limiting beliefs to emerge. by saying that you are confirming a story.
if you truly were completely emotionally free, you'd be enlightened. sorry.
RIP OFF THE BANDAID. FEEL. SEE CLEARLY.
...
so there's this quote:
“we are human beings not human doings”
yes. at our very core - out truest nature, we are just being. that being is the yin. it is the void of nothingness, of consciousness that this material reality rests upon. it is out of that “nothing” that the something arises from and returns to as things in this reality of objects (physical and energetic) are born, sustain, and die.
neither the energetic reality nor the void reality is the absolute.
the absolute is both. (and neither)
it is simultaneously transcendent and immanent
but what is more important to the mind is that it is both.
in becoming accustomed to spirituality and truth, some may continuously negate all things until they arrive at the nothingness. but that nothingness is still something. it’s still consciousness. and that consciousness, or god, if you will, is interwoven in both the void and the material world. you cannot escape it.
when asked the true nature of anything, gurus and teachers will often ambiguously reply, “reality is” or “self is” or “i am” or “this is”
always IS
what is “is”? why is this seemingly such a popular answer?
"is” is god
“is” is what you cannot escape
it is the very fabric of existence.
it is the infinite potential of the void and the forms of the world of objects.
do not negate this material world
it is not any less true than the void
truth is not separate from what you experience.
...
how did this entry take such a turn lol
and i keep going on tangents it seems but it’ll all pull together
...
anyways…
this “IS” thing. is BEING
you cannot escape “being”
you are always being
you don’t need to stop DOING in order to BE
...
ive heard it often taught, as alluded to in the aforementioned quote “we’re human beings not doings”
that teaching in essence is:
in awakening to… whatever is true… you must stop doing to become conscious of your being.
im not saying there isn’t truth in this teaching. its super important! because most people are soooo caught up in the material world that they overlook what is prior to all of this. they overlook what IS. they overlook BEING and overlook GOD, overlook their TRUE NATURE. because with all this madness flying around and so much to chase after and identify with and you know… all the humaning and survival things, why would we ever think to look for something else? and ya know… most people dont.
but… for the person who is well along on their path. and has tasted pure being… there is a pitfall... which is to place less importance on the material world. and more on the void. because to them, somehow the void seems “closer to the truth”
boi no place or state is closer to the truth. everything already is the truth.
okay im only speaking from personal experience.. so maybe this works for you but
do not try to get closer to truth through 9 hours straight of meditation or isolation or reading 3425435y46542 books or whatever. ask… but burying yourself in this sadhana, are you avoiding something in the material world? what are you hiding from? is something in the material world causing you pain that you seek shelter in the void? ive said this before. truth is not hiding in hour 100 of meditation. or on the last page of the text youre currently studying. truth is now.
if you are meditating. you are not in the absence of doing. you are still doing! you are meditating! meditation is an activity! you are also probably thinking and feeling and breathing and lots of other stuff! just as you cant escape being you also cannot escape doing. you are always doing. you can do seemingly more or less, maybe gauged by the level of effort or energy you’re expending, but you are always doing.
doing is not any less the truth than being.
you are always both.
so… your life’s effort is not to strip away all doing and just be..
what would that result in?
sleeping?
a vegetable?
sitting in a cave for eternity?
and notice how even if that were the case, you are still doing… you still didn’t escape doing.
i mean, maybe that kind of life is sweet for you, but no thank you, personally, i want to live.
ive for SURE been caught in this trap. with stories such as “omg I’m so tired all the time, i really need to slow down, i guess I’m DOING too much, my poor body, my poor mind, they cant get a break, i need to put everything on hold and take a bubble bath and lay in bed and meditate more and listen to spiritual talks, and go on long walks so I’m really just BEING.” kat the only reason you want to DO those seemingly more “being” activities, is so you gain the energy and clarity and passion to DO.
like why the fuck are we experiencing this material world of objects if not to do things? not to create? not to be a vessel for the void of potential? not to play?
meditation and self-care and relaxation and whatever all have their place. but do them because you love yourself, don’t use them as a reaction or as a treatment. don’t use them as a pacifier.
CREATE something. DO something. FEEL something. stop searching. the state of BEING we truly crave is not the absence of doing, but to feel that power of being coursing through us throughout all we do.
that being is presence. it is connection. it is the power to create and do with joy and passion. to create simply for the sake of creating. to do simply for the sake of doing.
we cannot reject experience. experience is the playground. consciousness is the material that forms, holds, and surrounds it.
go fucking play!!! don’t hide away in the bushes because you want to dissolve into the playground itself. what the fuck. you weirdo. how is that fun. how is that any more the truth than swinging on the monkey bars?
don't waste this precious life away reading and thinking about how to play. go out and have the experience for yourself!
are you scared that you’re going to fall and break an arm?
are you scared you’re gonna look dumb while you play and the other kids are gonna laugh at you?
are you scared you’re not strong enough or skilled enough to play “well”? or “correctly’?
every kid wants to play. even if they’re scared in the bushes. they want to play.
so don’t feed yourself the story that you don’t want to play. OHHH you wanna play;) cmon don’t lie.
so don’t contemplate it. don’t mediate on it. just go play!
you’re gonna find that bliss, that ananda baby.
that ananda is there while your flying on the swing set
and when you scrape your knees on the pavement.
that ananda, that bliss is LIVING.
maybe youre not so “happy” with bloody knees
and don’t experience “suffering” on the swing
but you’re blissed out. you love them both.
suhka (happiness) and duhka (suffering) dissolve. the maya dissolves. you’re just playing.
don’t surrender to the suhka and duhka. that’s surrendering to your story.
in doing so you identify with the joy of the swing set
or the pain and defeat of the bloody knees
by surrendering to what IS
thats letting go into the ananda
the bliss
the bliss is not devoid of pain
breaking your arm sucks!!!
but I’m gonna play on the monkey bars even if there’s a chance i’ll fall.
im going to get out there an DO. and live FULLY. consciously. even if theres a chance ill break my heart. injure my body. or lose my money.
in tantra illuminated there is a story of the dream machine… or something like that. I’m gonna make up what i remember, the jist of it:
a man who was suffering, let’s call him jimmy, was approached with a button. hey my man, press this button and your life is gonna go your way! oh boy, jimmy was so happy and excited, finally life will not suck! and so he pressed the button and reality was instantly transformed. jimmy changed how he looked, he was now a big hunk, and he could get any girl he wanted, just by wishing it, and he had a boppin mansion, and he could fly if he wanted, and make unicorns appear out of thin air, and literally whatever he wanted he got. and don’t get me wrong this was SICK for a while. many many years. but eventually jimmy was getting bored. he even set up more dangerous and crazy scenarios and adventures but eventually even those got boring. because there was no possibility of failure. everything was so predictable. because he was in control of it all. he because jaded. this was consciousness in stagnation. then, jimmy was approached by another button. hey, jimmy, my man, if you press this button reality will be instantly transformed into one in which anything could happen. joys beyond your wildest dreams, and fears beyond your darkest nightmares, or more probably, both. if you push it, you’ll forget you pushed it and be plunged into a world of infinite possibility. will you take the chance? will you go on the adventure?
the question is not whether or not jimmy will push the button. it’s just, how long will you wait?
in a certain sense, we’ve already all pushed the button. and that’s why we’re here.
wow i really went all around the block here when i was really just trying to talk about energy levels and doing vs being but idk. there was some good stuff in there. but yeah, I’ve been learning, REALLLLYYYY learning, deeply, not just thinking it, or “knowing” oh yeah thats true, that there is never a right time or perfect moment to do something. that moment is now. you don’t need to wait for favorable circumstances, you don’t need to heal yourself more. you’re already ready. and by taking the action, by result you will heal and your circumstances will be more favorable. you gotta realllllyyyyy want it though. if you’re not doing it, you don’t want it enough. but that’d really suck to wait until you’re in deep dark depression or married to an ogre or a stepping on a landmine and now you have no limbs to want truth enough to go after it.
to want to create enough to start creating.
to want love enough to open your heart and express that love to those around you. you have to want it.
for example, here’s some common desires:
“i want to get ripped”
“i want to fall in love”
“i want to be wealthy”
“i want to be awake”
well god damn it if you REALLY wanted it than you would be DOING it right?
or AT LEAST REAAAALLLLYYY trying. with all you’ve got.
don’t lie to yourself. don’t lie to others.
your desires are false if youre not putting REAL steps to your intentions.
stop half-assing your actions. you’re gonna get half-ass results.
you are not a fairy floating on a lotus in rainbow world.
you are not a God overseeing humanity and throwing around lightning bolts.
you are not a void of dark consciousness and energy.
drop the fantasy. what do you experience?
okay yeah, the experience on top of the void. it’s very much happening. dream or not.
the most enlightened sage is this: a human being.
the sage still has a human experience.
you cannot escape being human.
unless you die (maybe)
so live a human life.
really, you have no other choice.
you’re already doing it.
truth is not elsewhere.
…
much much love!
adios
kat
a man had spent his whole life chasing the void. he finally rests there, in the nothingness. his ultimate goal. and realizes.. just as was suggested, there is nothing there. no truth there. and so with a heavy heart, he looks back at the earth and realizes, that which he once thought so insignificant and illusory, was the realest thing he has ever known.
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