notes from contemplation and realization.
...
monday
1:08pm
2/17/20
i am meditating.
i said, “i will stay until something happens.”
it is happening.
right now… it’s already happening.
experience this now.
why cant I be consciously aware of what is happening?
…
what am i even expecting? if it's something that cannot be experienced?
it IS the base. the primordial “stuff” itself
i suppose what i want is more real. less illusion. more truth. more raw.
more of the essence.
its hard to ask or to desire when i don’t even know what I’m asking.
i just want to be directly conscious of SOMETHING. just one thing.
…
i am not scared.
i accept whatever it is.
i accept nothing.
i accept death.
i accept whatever it is. even if that means “losing” everything
i accept losing.
i want whatever is true.
i want it. i truly, honestly want it.
…
why do we have these seemingly "more spiritual" or "deeper" or "truer" than "normal" experiences?
why do we label them as more true?
we label certain sensations as more spiritual than others.
especially while meditating,
i'll label an itch or ache or dumb thought as "distraction"
but if i feel bliss or clarity or interesting energy in the body, i'm like "oh yeah I'm doing something right"
these are STILL an experience.
for example...
today's experiences: heat. central line. man. devotion. surrender. love. union. bhakti. the beloved. vibration. energy. upward direction. expansion. clear. pain. body. feel. dissolve. light. resistance. tension. one- point awareness. lost. disconnect. absorption. accepting and seeing whatever arises as exactly what is is. no manipulation of that experience.
where do the thoughts come from?
out of what do they arise?
same with emotion.
same with sensation.
what is the source?
do they arise from the self?
from identity?
…
I asked, “show me the truth.”
…but wait…
it is not something to be shown or presented to me
some other entity is not going to place “the truth” in front of me;
in my hands or in my field of vision
the truth is something to become aware of intrinsically.
i am part of the truth. or truth itself.
how can the truth become conscious of itself?
i am truth
sat nam
right here. right now.
why cant i access it?
...
tuesday
2/18/20
the truth is always here.
nothing to get.
what’s true is already true.
what is true is what is occurring.
i experience this object.
i am that.
i experience a sound.
i am that.
i experience sensation.
i am that.
i am the object of my attention.
location in the sensory vessel.
limited to the scene.
but that is the truth of this moment.
if i have an experience of being the entire universe with no source
that is not any more true than the source being the body
what is truth?
truth is the absence of any deception.
if truth is white, and deception is black,
if there is any deception the white will always be gray… not white
deception = rules. concepts. deception = believing that anything is just ONE thing.
truth = all possibilities.
i am that. & i am not that.
this is table = deception
this is not table = deception
this is and isn’t table = truth
deception is the concept that i must discover truth.
that truth is something to be discovered.
thinking that truth is something outside of my experience.
the truth is what is happening.
the truth is happening whether i am asleep or awake.
the truth does not care whether you’re having a blank empty freeing experience or a racing thought heavy bodied experience.
each experience is true.
every experience is true… because it is what ‘I’ am experiencing.
i can experience (or ‘no experience’) what is prior to ‘I am’… the ‘nothing’
and that is just as true as experiencing ‘I am’
the question “experience what you are” implies that there is an “I” to be experienced.
it implies that there is an “experience” to be had…. and that there is an “experiencer”
so… if i am to experience “what I am”, implying that what i am is an ‘I’… then what “I am” is the experience itself. I am always the experience.
If I am experiencing an “i” and the “i” is having an experience… then I am the experiencer and the experience.
if the experience ceases to be… and “i am nothing” then I am that
if the “i” ceases and just *nothing* just *IS* … then that is what is true.
all are valid. all are true.
i am that.
i am already truth.
my experience is already one of truth.
i can give it meaning if i want. doesn’t matter either way.
i can have a ‘good’ experience or a ‘bad’ experience. either way it is still true.
there is no source.
no source out of which any experience arises.
truth itself is formless. shapeless. it’s nothing.
it all arises from nothingness
what is true, is that collapse of nothing and everything.
each truth. each experience.
i create it.
“this one” creates it.
it has no meaning. no substance.
unless i want it to.
i sit at the gate between the nothingness and the somethingness.
i am the gate. i am the portal.
so i ask, ‘okay, dope, so what now?’
nothing to do.
play in it.
make the experience better.
it’s true either way.
i choose my experience by what i place my attention on.
create meaning. dissolve meaning.
whatever. doesn’t matter.
have fun.
be.
i am that.
chop wood. carry water.
...
>>> later that day:
and throw that all away.
i am nothing.
i do nothing.
i have accomplished nothing.
i have nothing.
what is enlightenment?
it is not an event.
but an event can seemingly lead to enlightenment
enlightenment is a shift.
making my experience somehow “more accurate”
enlightenment is just a concept.
throw it away.
don’t try to get it
don’t try to obtain it.
enlightenment is right here. right now.
often preached: “enlightenment = liberation / freedom from suffering’
perhaps because i am aware that i am creating my suffering
that my suffering is an illusion because I’m making it?
being enlightened doesn’t make my experience “better”
the experience is the same as before
painful or pleasurable
but i know that i am the one who decides it is a favorable or unfavorable experience
and so i am free from the notion that enlightenment is some magic potion that will send me spiraling into existential bliss and happiness.
no. there is no product of enlightenment. nothing changes.
enlightenment doesn’t “fix” things.
it is not a cure for pain or suffering or ego or identity or anything.
if you want to not feel pain, then try your best not to hurt yourself.
be aware that certain actions usually lead to certain consequences that are painful
if you want to be free from self/ego, then… idk stop thinking everything is so meaningful. you’re the one creating meaning. you’re the one relating to objects and deriving a positive or negative meaning from it. stop relating? idk. haven’t thought about this. but self/ego is not bad. i recognize that i am simultaneously the self and also not the self. i need a self/ego to operate as human individual if i want to have a human individual experience. i want to have a human experience, so i utilize my self BUT i also know it is something I’m making up/ creating. so if need be, ill change it or detach from it depending on the situation. if you do not want a human experience, then go have fun experimenting with how to experience that.
i am the same.
i still feel pain in the body.
i still look the same.
i still like the same things
personality is still there
memories and dreams.. still there
i have thoughts/
i have emotions and reactions
i create tension and resistance toward certain things
i judge things (good/bad)
but I AM DOING this
and i can learn to not do this
to make my experience more pleasurable/ favorable
and more conducive to how i want to shape my future
"this one's" future
if i want to i can have an agenda.
that is okay!
but i am not chained to any thing.
desire = survival.
i still want to survive.
enlightenment does not free you from physical survival.
if you want freedom from survival maybe kill the body.
…
>>> and later that day:
enlightenment is just a CONCEPT.
just VOCABULARY.
it is not the actual thing itself.
and the actual thing itself is also just part of the illusion.
we believe there is a candle beneath the veil,
and if we remove the veil we will actualize...
the flame and the veil are the same.
they are one.
they cannot be separated.
we are chasing a ghost.
there is no destination.
there is no enlightenment.
there is no “end”
i will become more ‘awake’
i will transform more
but what is the use for the term ‘enlightenment’
what is it actually defined as?
dictionary: the action or state of having attained spiritual knowledge or insight
okay sure...?
it’s kinda like I’m in control more now.
things are not as threatening
things are not as urgent
peace
i will transform to have a ‘better’ experience
through physical action and shifts in perception
because i want to do the human thing
and i want to help others
i want more experience
whether natural or supernatural
everything im saying is assumption. perception. reflection. none of it true. and simultaneously... all of it true.
i rest in the not knowing.
…
>>> wednesday
what am i?
the nature of the question implies that there is an “i” and that the ‘i’ is having an experience.
what is prior to the ‘i”?
what is prior to “experience”?
whatever is prior… is not the absolute.
whatever an i experiences is not the absolute.
within the realm of “i am”, i am that.
without the realm… i am not that.
ALL OF THESE WORDS AND CONCEPTS = not it
i return them all. give them all up.
but also, they are useful to me.
but whatever is TRUE is not what I’ve written.
whatever is TRUE is not (only) what i experience.
this state of ‘knowing’ can be a trap in itself.
maybe there’s more. maybe not.
and i want to continue to expand. or be open to that possibility.
so i am unattached.
i want it MORE clear. MORE obvious.
^^^ look at this mind trying to "get" something.
...
moral of the story: YOLO
keep the body alive.
keep doing activities.
keep being things.
keep enjoying and learning in this life thing.
nothing changes.
remain open.
"i" still know nothing!
...
adiós!
(fun fact: adiós is derived from the roots "to God")
much much love!!!!
- kat
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