last night was the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life
silently screaming at god
cursing him
asking why why why
and it’s so fucked because
no matter how angry i am
i literally have no choice
but to love and to trust
and so i continue to love and trust
but simultaneously I’m just confused and bitter
because life is so so cruel
and my human mind cannot wrap itself around accepting the horrors and suffering that the people on this earth experience
…these precious human lives
they just want to be free
and i want them to be free
and i just want to be free
“let me go… please… I’m begging you… just let me go”
me laying in the dark pleading for salvation.
submitting myself in complete surrender.
admitting that i know nothing.
asking in desperation
“what do you want?”
“i will do anything.”
and meaning it
but god does not give a FUCK
and well, why would he?
he’s not a he
not this personified being most imagine the concept of “god” to be
not dude sitting on a cloud munching on grapes peering down on humanity
and i usually use the term god
but i could just as well use...
universe
source
being
is
that
the cosmos
shiva
allah
the divine
love
its all the same thing
and apparently it’s the same as me
i just have not fully realized it
but yeah so hahaha
i did not think it was physically possible to have that much snot in my body
it was insane
lmaooo it was endless
i had to pause my tears every few minutes to wipe my face into my sleeves
i ended up having to take off my shirt because i needed more snot-free surface area to use
and i think it took a solid 10 minutes to blow my nose afterwards
just so i could free one nostril
comedy
anyways
so here’s the thing.
i used to be so emotionally numb that i could not freaking cry.
like nope. never. could not cry.
i would actually get SO frustrated because sometimes i just really wanted to cry.
i wanted to feel that so badly
i would sense that i was feeling bad and just wanted that release
but i could not cry. was i not sad enough?
and i genuinely was not happy back then.
i did not love myself.
which is not the case now.
but i just was like hm idk i thought it was normal.
i thought i just didn’t get that sad.
i was tough.
i guess things didn’t bother me.
brush it off
ignore it
shrug
no, no, no
things were bothering me…
but each time something hit me
id turn it into more armor
and not in a good way
but in a numbing way
putting up more and more walls
“nothing can hurt me!!!”
of course, i was completely unaware that i was doing that.
and by doing so i was fuckinnnggg myself over
because I’ve had to spend so much effort and time breaking those walls down
(SO worth it by the way, id do it all again in an instant if i had to)
it resulted in much more freedom
much more happiness
much more self love
i am content ALWAYS
i love myself and life UNCONDITIONALLY
it resulted in much more success
in my goals and relationships
it resulted in feeling it allllll
all my emotions
all my thoughts
so now i experience overwhelming ecstasy
a higher high
and with that expanded width of emotion
the opposite is also true
i also experience much more profound sadness
the sadness is not hopeless
but it’s exactly what it is… it’s sad
and last night i was so so so sad.
when i get so dark and low like that
there’s always a part of me that’s essentially thinking in the background
“alright, this is it! the breakdown before the breakthrough!”
“maybe this is the catalyst to something huge”
“i am completely letting go here!”
“complete surrender! this is it right?”
and yeah sometimes…
sometimes something huge does follow
but sometimes its not
sometimes I’m not able to see how the story is gonna play out right in that moment
things are not always directly sequential
it’s not like a movie when things are resolved or realized mere minutes later
and maybe sometimes there’s not a reason at all
maybe sometimes I’m just really fucking sad
death is supposed to be sad
loss is supposed to be sad
and the sadness has no meaning
no outcome
it happens just for the sake of itself
when we’re happy
we often don’t question it
we don’t wonder and ask
“oh wow im ECSTATIC right now, hmmm this is quite a deviation from the norm, why is this occurring? because I’m experiencing an extreme emotion and feeling more intensely, is something big gonna happen as a result?”
when we experience emotional extremes
we label them as a deviation from “normal”
but also label positive emotions as good
and negative as bad
so when i have the bad ones
it’s almost like i think i “deserve” some kind of revelation to follow
because it was “so hard” to experience the bad emotion
but when I’m on cloud 9
it's as though that’s reward enough
it's as though i don’t really deserve or need or want the icing on the cake of some kind of spiritual awakening to follow
haha i don’t have an answer to any of this
im not trying to reveal any kind of life lesson
emotions are just so…
powerful
insane
beautiful
interesting
bizarre
controlling
they’re a wild ride
and i love em
even when they make me feel shitty
i wanna be on the roller coaster baby
flames down the sides
i want the 100mph one with the 1000 ft vertical drop
i want the loopdeloops
i wanna have my breath taken away
from the thrill
from the view
from the fear
fuck those lil kiddie rides
you know, the ones shaped like a caterpillar or something
and they just go in a circle
and mayyybbee have a tiny bump at one point if you’re lucky
wooohoo!!!!
what a RIDEEEE right??
so predictable
SO BORING
stable emotions?
no thanks.
emotions are the JUICE of life my friends
without emotion, without FEELING
you’re a robot
you’re just your sense organs
just thoughts computing
just a body
and I’m talking about a human life here
not your ultimate transcendent “ISness”
im referring to YOU
to ME
and human being.
the human experience.
the one where you have a body
and you're in relationships with other bodies
and use your body to manipulate and explore your environment
that’s what we’re doing
that’s why we’re here
to do this thing.
and so,
yeah. it sucks sometimes. a lot.
but I’m gonna feel that suck.
even if it has no meaning.
even if its just something that comes up and is completely useless and horrible.
think of all the horrible things that happen to people for seemingly no reason.
rape. war. torture. abuse. poverty. manipulation. disease.
not a good thing.
but a blessing.
a powerful opportunity to wake up.
a blessing.
a powerful opportunity to wake up.
i seem to pay attention more when things are “bad”
i want freedom more when life feels shitty.
maybe if anything,
it is to understand what bad really feels like
how bad, bad can really feel
so i can have greater empathy
and connect with others better
so. idk what it all means.
that’s why i write.
but i do know that I’m here for it.
and if you’re reading this, I’m here for you.
because i get it.
i see you.
and it’s all love.
it’s allllll love baby!
- kat
...
"the evils of lucy was all around me
so i went runnin for answers
until i came home"
-kendrick lamar
saturday april 18 2020
quarantine day 33
training day 17
Comments