the bat

Hola! Greetings from deep dark Peru! As I type this post currently, from the notes section of my phone in a teeny hostal in Lima, I prepare for the final and most mysterious section of my journey - the Amazon jungle. Every flight in Peru must transfer through the Lima airport, so I’m spending the night here during my 14hr layover.

I miss all my yoga friends so much! Unless something crazy happens, I plan to be back in San Diego to teach on Monday, June 6th in OB at 5:30pm!!!! I’m pumped.

Nothing about this trip has been relaxing or vacation-esque, it really has been a full fledged adventure and exploration. I’ve been constantly on the move. From tall cities, to tiny remote roads and villages, farmland, bright blue equatorial beaches, snowy mountain peaks, misted forests, mosquito-ridden tropics, lush green rolling hills and farmlands, narrow stone-laid streets and dirt ones lined with cows, pigs, horses, and stray dogs.

My final class with you all was themed around the bat card, and when I read the description I couldn’t think of anything more frighteningly accurate to describe my personal life at the time - and reading it again after this past month has only depended it’s resonance. So I’m excited many weeks later to share this post with you all, of the message of the bat.

The bat is associated with: darkness, letting go, and death leading to rebirth

Before emerging, the Bat waits for the sun to set and the moon to rise. In the darkness, it can see all that was invisible in the daylight hours. The Bat is a master of the subtle senses, of the underlying forces that cause some things to prosper and others to fade. The Bat card shows up to signify the ending of a chapter, the closing of a door. The Bat comes swiftly, encouraging us to move on. In just a few hours a new day dawns. No more lingering in the past.

when in balance ~ accepts, adapts, adjusts

when out of balance ~ refuses to let go, reminisces

to bring into balance ~ watch the sunrise

Personally, the most transformational times of my life have been when I’ve completely lost control. A theme of our western culture, and the nature of our primal need to survive, requires us to gain as much control as possible. This sense of control keeps us safe - it does, and that’s not a bad thing… however, control also keeps us stagnant… control doesn’t allow for magic to play into our lives because we’ve built a really comfortable and predictable cage around ourselves.

Right before leaving for this trip, so much in my life was “going well”. I was for the first time feeling financially stable. I had a functioning vehicle, I felt the healthiest and most comfortable in my skin that I ever had, amazing friends and community, an amazing home, I was feeling inspired creatively, and had a lot to look forward to - I was for the first time in my life: comfortable.

And then, life told me I needed to leave it all behind - I was like wtf why, I’ve worked so hard my entire life to feel safe and at home and feel like I have stable ground beneath me and just as soon as I have a taste, you’re asking me to give it all up?

But I knew better than to shut down that voice of intuition… even though I definitely put up a fight for a while (hehe). So I left my home, packing everything into a storage unit, filled a backpack with necessities and hopped on a plane. 5 weeks is not really a tremendous amount of time… but these 4 weeks already, have felt like I’ve lived 40 lives.

And so into the dark unknown I went. Just like the bat, I wouldn’t be able to uncover whatever messages life had for me in the comfortable sunlight of safety. I needed to wait for the moon to come out - to see what is only visible in darkness.

If you’ve ever been in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar circumstance, you’ll know that in those states, you become much more sensitive, because everything is so foreign. You become much more receptive, because you’re not passively acknowledging the commonalities of your familiar day to day routines.

Reflecting on my trip thus far - it’s been nothing but novelty after novelty, nothing ever feels familiar. And honestly, not having anything to hold onto, can be really terrifying. For me, this trip isn’t just about exploring new land and culture and history, it’s also about exploring a new mental and spiritual landscape as well - and that’s been the real trip. Navigating Peru has been challenge enough, but navigating my psyche and spirit has been a whole other level. That’s been the real challenge.

And the thing is, it’s all been terribly confusing, due to all this unfamiliarity. Because not only do I not recognize my surroundings, but I’m not recognizing myself. And I must continuously surrender into this quickly-moving crazy whirlwind of experience. Constantly changing shape and form and quality, my mind desperately trying to grasp and make sense of all the sensory input to deduct some kind of meaning.

But sometimes, some things are beyond the reach of our minds. And that’s when we must drop down into the trust of the heart. That’s when we open our palms and connect to the heart of the universe who knows all things, knows the perfect unfolding and path of everything, even when we as individuals feel so lost and uncertain.

Because when we zoom out of our little lives and goals and our town and relationships and routines… existence is so unfathomably vast and unknown and infinite. How could a mind comprehend something like that? How could a mind comprehend the ever-expanding evolution of material reality? The ever-expanding evolution of consciousness?

When I lose all control, I’m forced to drop down into, what some refer to as the soul of the world. The part of myself that knows it is not seperate from the totality of existence. As the poet Rumi says, “I am the entire ocean in a drop.” I release and merge into this vast loving oneness. This is the darkness, the yin, the feminine energy, the unknown, the wild… we as humans (or I can only really speak for myself and the majority of western culture at least) are absolutely fucking terrified of this dark side of life. We want everything to be orderly and understood and organized into little compartments that we can control.

… but I believe that dark wild untamed part of ourselves has been screaming. And I don’t really quite know what that is. It’s not something I can really “know” it’s just something I feel. We keep it caged up because society has deemed dark unknown things as “bad”… but if I’ve learned anything from the unknown, it’s that it is always healing. Because the unknown doesn’t need to understand in order to fix things - the darkness just fully embraces and accepts and loves - and love heals all.

As we venture into the darkness, it can hurt, it can be painful… because the night will rip away from you anything and everything that you’re not supposed to bring with you into the dawn. And we don’t like loss. Our brains may not logically understand why something must be left behind. We don’t like to lose the things that are familiar - as it goes against all that safety and control we’ve worked so hard to build.

The greatest pioneers, innovators, and torch-bearers history has known, have been those willing to walk forward into the dark unknown. Even when everyone tells them they’re crazy. Even when what they seek is absolutely inconceivable to society and even to their own minds. The just feel that something is out there… and they answer that call. This is how we evolve.

My journey in Peru isn’t over yet - I believe she still has much more to teach me - and my journey in this body on this earth isn’t over yet either. But if I’ve learned anything so far during my travels, and from this bat card, it’s that we are desperately craving a much needed balance in our lives - and that is the dark side represented by the yin-yang symbol.

It really goes against everything science and education and our concrete, electronic world has taught us. But it’s something we can learn by becoming still and becoming quiet and opening to really really listen to those subtle whispers (or sometimes screams) that are trying to get through our thick skulls haha. I believe that is the first step. Let’s begin to open to and understand that which cannot be explained by logic. Let’s feel deeply into the mysterious corners of our hearts and souls and the energies around us to give us guidance. Let’s allow ourselves to relax into whatever perceived “messes” we may be in. Let’s TRUST fully with our lives, to allow the parts of us to die that need to die. Allow life to recycle those old parts of you, and transmute them into greater light so that you can evolve into this new dawn.

I believe that true growth doesn’t just come through discipline and understanding. It also comes through relaxing into that deep, dark, mysterious current of this existence… for, what do we really know? Besides what is experienced through the 5 senses? Take that all away and there is only dark nothingness… but what can we see, hear, feel, taste, and smell there? In the darkness?

That is the message of the bat. There is a new dawn awaiting us - but this new light requires us to shed everything that is dead… we can’t take it with us. And so how do we let go? Not by going further, but by going deeper.

Get curious ;)

And I hope to see you all soon in class! Sending you soooooo much love!!!

dream extreme!

<3 kat