I am sitting on my bedroom floor
Feet sandy
Hair wet
Still in my swimsuit
My skin is salty
My eyes are stinging a bit
From trying to see the waves crash from underneath
Everything has been cinematically beautiful
And it can be
If I just slow down and let it move at the pace it does
Perfectly
If I just remember to not breathe so quickly
So rushed
Im learning about my body
How to really listen to it
So I can move
And create
And have a clear mind
And I’m learning about my lenses.
Really learning right now about how to protect my energy
By just worrying about myself
"minding my own business"
Stopping the narratives about other people
Fictional conversations and situations
Repetitions of past events
It just clouds the mind
I want more space
To focus on me
And by that I mean more attention and energy toward cultivating my dreams
Which by doing so is aligning myself to how I can best show up in life.
How life can use me and work through me
My purpose.
How I can serve.
When I was driving to best buy the other day
To spend $2000 I don’t have
And reflecting on how I’m keeping my distance from certain people.
A thought arose and I spoke it out loud as soon as I received it
Almost like it wasn’t my own idea
And I said something along the lines of:
“it is not selfish to serve your own self.
It’s selfish to deny your self of what you need
For just because you see and act from this body,
Doesn’t mean it’s yours.
Everything is borrowed.
By serving yourself, it is no different than serving another.
Your self is still something outside of you.
But by being in this body and mind... you have the most control over this one.
So we must listen and care for this one with the most attention.
To resist or force an action or thought because we fear it is selfish to do otherwise,
Is really just us trying to interfere with the dharma.
It is resisting how God is trying to work through us."
Think of it this way:
If you constantly deprive your self of food because you see all the hungry people around you and give your rations away, you will be too weak to plant and tend a garden that could have the potential to feed everyone more than enough.
If your dharma is to plant a garden, you must feed yourself so you have the energy to do so.
Others will always be suffering. You can’t help them all. You can barely help one person. But the one person… the only person you can truly help all the way is yourself. This one. The one whom’s body and mind you find yourself in this moment. This is not to say neglect others. It’s not about narcissism. Not about self-obsession in a dualistic and separate and superior sense. Selfishness has a negative and antisocial connotation for a reason. But it’s about finding the balance between your attention on yourself and your attention on others. I think it’s all about your mindset. It is a beautiful thing and our highest calling to serve others. But if you begin to harbor feelings of lack, resentment, or expectation, you can gather that you have crossed the line from compassion to obsession. You’ve extended your empathy too far.
- Monday, August 17, 2020
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