im going back to california
i feel a pull
i have a past tendency to run away.
so i had to listen closely
to make sure it was a true calling
and not a reaction to resistance
of my current situation
the past several months,
i almost exclusively write in a word document.
but yesterday i opened my journal
and brought pen to paper.
i've rewritten it below.
...
i am all yours.
keep my heart open.
and may my eyes
rest only on you
om mani padme hum
may i release all attachments and ego.
may i become empty.
not nothing,
but free of everything
but inner awareness.
but truth and love.
may i be free so i can be generous.
may i be free from jealously.
may i be honest. honorable. virtuous.
may i be free from desire.
may i be patient.
may i be free from prejudice. from bias.
may i have perseverance.
may i be free from possessiveness. from greed.
may i have concentration. focus.
may i be free from hatred. from judgement.
may i have wisdom.
all these things...
not to achieve or obtain
but to realize,
as i remove veils of ignorance.
life presents me with experiences,
not to make me suffer,
or even to make me happy,
but to gift me with the opportunity
to awaken further.
to dissolve more layers.
so even when it feels like i'm moving backwards,
and i'm feeling further and further away,
i must have faith in her perfect unfolding.
in her transcendent wisdom.
i'm always growing.
always coming closer to truth.
even went it's dark and confusing.
even when i walk blindly.
even when it's agony.
i'll never turn my back to you.
i promise.
i wish i were stronger.
but i know this road is leading me there.
thank you for holding me
when i was too weak to hold myself.
...
i'm in awe of her mysterious ways.
i've been having synchronicities
and surreal experiences that i can only give back to her
because i don't know what to make of them.
i can only accept them as confirmation of faith
and a reminder to trust.
she's reminding me of what's important.
what should i hold in greatest reverence?
what should i hold closest to my heart?
my sadhana
my relationships
my health
my passions
my purpose
a cliché lesson, maybe.
but the most vital things to learn
are usually the most simple.
and they can be returned to and reflected upon
on with infinite perspective and depth each time.
a realignment with dharma.
a reconnection to the divine.
all is sacred.
there, i am whole.
...
this time on the east coast
has ripped my eyes open
and torn out my heart
i saw what i needed to see
i felt what i needed to feel
revisiting here was important
to let go of the things i didn’t realize i was still attached to
so i can
with dignity
and honesty
and authenticity
continue on my journey
without looking back
there’s nothing behind me but memories
beautiful, loving memories
that i cherish so deeply
that trained me
and taught me
and directed me
to now.
but no part of me wants to go back there.
i let go.
i don’t bring my past with me into the future.
i can travel lightly. freely.
in this past month, i’ve experienced many kinds of death.
and i grieved over those losses.
but now, with that space cleared…
new life is born from the ashes
the phoenix rises
i can see a faint light
which holds promise of the expanse to come
i’m ready.
i’m coming home.
and not just to the west coast,
i’m returning to myself.
and she is ready for the solitude
for the expansion.
for the expression
the creation
...
it is spring.
like a seed buried underground
she moves blindly in the direction of light
but that time in the dirt was important
to spread roots
and to be nourished by the constriction
i’m beginning to emerge from the soil
ready to drink in the sun
ready to grow tall
ready to bloom
until the next cycle comes.
until i wilt and drop my seeds
only to be born again once more.
...
i am here.
i am now.
and there's no place i'd rather be.
...
tuesday april 28 2020
quarantine day 43
training day 27
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