When I become still, in body and in mind, space is discovered - and in that space rests infinite possibility and potential.
On the drive home from the airport, was the most brilliant rainbow I've ever seen. It was a complete arch, but no distinct beginning or end - hidden. Rainbows generally signify fresh beginnings, new prosperity, and following the heart's desire and purpose. It is a symbol of promise.
At the time I didn't attach any meaning to it - simply marveled at its beauty. But looking back, it's fun to view that rainbow as signifying this new chapter of my life.
It has been a few days since I returned to the United States after six weeks in southeast Asia. I just had to look at a calendar to count how long my trip actually was, and it's so crazy to me to write that it was only six weeks because it felt like a lifetime - and it was.
But now I am here, and I am savoring solitude. The past few months I haven't had much time alone, but have healed and grown so much. In these past few days, by simply observing my self, through my behaviors, reactions, thoughts, and feelings, I am aware of how much I've truly changed. Not only in my travels, but the past several months as a whole, including my last year of college, the entirety of college - basically reflecting on my path since birth. It's been a beautifully wild ride.
This change I've experienced isn't actually "change". It's not necessarily that who I am is changing or transforming (though superficially it may seem this way), but that I am getting closer and closer to my true self.
This self is unchanging, it is who we are the the innermost core of our being. It is the layers that surround the self that are in constant flux.
I was born into this world with certain layers, and throughout my life I've tried on many different layers; different identities. Along the way, I've been recognizing those which are distracting or harmful - I've been releasing all that doesn't serve me.
It has taken discarding most layers - uncovering the core of my being - becoming "nothing" and "no one" to realize that I can be anything and anyone.
There's a quote somewhere that says, "you must lose yourself to find yourself." I always say that the most cheesy and cliché ideas are the ones that are the most true and powerful. Quotes like these become so overshared and saturated that they lose their potency.
These words are so central to my journey. I had to lose my self - to question all that "I am" - all the aspects of my identity that I was born with, was told by others, and by myself.
When I came to know that at my core I am not any of these identities - I only "am" - that is where the real fun began. This process of forgetting my identify was only a means of remembering my self or my soul, which was hidden and concealed by all my layers. These layers were identities such as being a female or 21-years-old, my physical appearance, my personality, my hobbies, achievements, goals, possessions, relationships, routines, thought patterns, and emotions.
At the innermost core, all I can know is there is an intelligence, a consciousness, that experiences all of these things. I detached from them all - from all these human things - only to return and embrace them fully.
So, in this stillness I can see and know that it is all a choice. So I chose to love all that I am - all the elements of my personal slice of the human experience that are in this moment. My mind, body, environment, possessions, relationships, and past. And in that complete acceptance, I welcome peace. And in that peace lies the stillness. If I were to look out at my future as an ocean, the waters are quiet. Because there is no resistance, no disturbance, I can see clearly and know that the possibilities are limitless.
This is where I am right now. I look out at an endless horizon. I am filled with peace, joy, and love because I have done the work and will continue to do the work to become more and more clear.
In this clarity, the trees have parted and my path has been shown to me. I have been on this path my entire life. But now I don't question whether or not it is "right" or "wrong". It will always be right if I don't fight it. I am completely content with where my feet are in this moment. But I can also bring my gaze in front of me, and know, with certainty, where I am going. I may not know the all the specifications, all the details, but I know the qualities.
With conviction, I can say that in terms of my purpose, at least for this portion of my life, I know what to do and who to be. I am so confident in my path because I know it is truth. And how can I try to deny truth?
Although intuitively, I already knew this was truth, my mind had to know logically. So, I asked myself "how can I know for certain?" I know because there is no doubt, no fear, and no resistance. I've entertained many other possibilities for my life post-grad, but this is the first time I've experienced the absence of doubt, fear, and resistance. That is how I know it is the right choice.
And so what is this path I've chosen? Well, my mind is buzzing with ideas, but as my good friend Tommy says, "We'll put them up in the clouds and see if they decide to come down at some point." All these details will be shared as they come to fruition. But for now, I will give my path no name or shape - it is formless, it's in utero. But it begins with me writing this post. With the creation of this website. With resuming teaching yoga. With nurturing my mind and body. With realizing greater joy through less. With authenticity and love in my relationships and interactions with others.
That is who I am right now. I am in utero. I am in preparation for rebirth.
It's as though I had to relive my life in reverse. And I did this in order to remember who I am at the core - before I had a past and an identity - as I was before I left the womb.
In this stillness, I am cultivating energy to re-enter the world. But this time without fear and confusion. I have direction. I am curious to life's unfolding. I know that the future will be a beautiful dance between my free will and the universe's destiny.
Just like that rainbow. We usually see light as just white - we often forget that there is an entire spectrum of colors that combine to create this "one" white color. Just as there are millions of colors that are our identities and experiences that combine to create our "one" perceived state of being.
I realized what makes the light white. I explored and dissected the seperate colors of the spectrum. And then I returned to the white - to oneness - to functional humanness. I am the same as before, but now I am clear.
I am here. I am ready. I am creation creating creation.
And I'm so excited to have this outlet to share this all with you.
ram ram.
much love! dream extreme! ☆
- kat
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