friday march 20 2020
quarantine day 4
a prompt:
if you were alone in this existence, if there was no other, what would you want?
if i were completely alone on this planet. i would have no one to compare myself to. so i wouldn’t be concerned with my achievements or self image or behavior.
so what would i want?
i would be so present.
so connected
i would be so curious about every moment
with every experience and encounter
so curious about this life
this experience
dissolving into every moment
expressing for the hell of it
never for any result
i wouldn’t need to hold anything
there would be no lack
because i wouldn’t have a point of reference to know what full looked like
i would have no fear of consequence
except physical survival
and threat of pain or removal of pleasure
...
a human life
an interpretation of form
through the senses
and meaning of form
through perception
and the mind
an experience
a projected fragment
of the absolute
a beautiful landscape
of manifested consciousness
a deep despair
of unrealized truth
...
life wants to live
and yet
life is a gamble
the roll of dice
the flip of a coin
unpredictable
unexpected
unknown
and there does not exist
a coin with one side
the probability of life
is just as likely
as the chance of death
and yet one who is alive
spends that precious life
consumed by the
fear of an end
all of one’s activities and efforts
completely dedicated to escaping
that which is inevitable
it is utter insanity
if you are alive
please
do not waste it
trying to balance on the edge of the coin
you will surely fail
it is a disgrace
to limit yourself
to such a small slice
of experience
surrender to grace
and allow the coin to fall
to one side
as it’s intended
and i promise
you will finally understand
and live as life is meant to be lived:
alive
one who is alive
is fully living
when they do not live with the sole purpose of remaining alive
when the time is up
and the coin is tossed once more
do not worry to which side it will land
for it is not in your control
in some sense
you only begin living
when you have already died
by accepting and welcoming
death’s possibility at every turn
life wants to live
and so it should
the problem is
life wants to live
because it is not truly living
that is why the desire exists
so understand
and more importantly be
alive
be fully alive
the only reason life would have a desire to live
is because it fears that it is not already living
when there is no fear
life is finally lived
why does life want to live?
because it knows no other condition
death
the ultimate unknown
the unknown
where freedom is alive
you don’t have to kill the body to die
stop trying to prophesy when the unknown will arrive
for it is already here
...
a human is life
a human is life because it exists
in this reality
a human wants to live
because it wants to continue to have experiences
the future promises “more” or “better”
and a human wants to live for that
rarely does a human want to live for now
now does not seem complete for a human
now is direct
and confusing
and nothing to reference
now cannot be conceptualized
now is a bewildered mind
future, our mind can create
also... there are instinctual survival drives
deeply imbedded in our physiology
persistance
continuance
preservation
create the good
preserve the good
destroy the bad
what is good
what is bad
the mind is attached to survive
but is the body?
it’ll just try as long as it can
but why?
only thing that i can think of is
divine play
it’s a game
an expression
a dance
an expanding
and contracting
pattern
contant evolution
and dissolution
life wants to live
because love
consciously or unconsciously
these fragments of life yearn for union
and believe it can only be found here
in what is perceptually apparent
in a human life on earth
because there is no promise of a next
there’s not even a promise of a now
there’s no promise
just is
...
i have to want it
but i can’t try to get it
it just has to happen
i can’t make it
it can only overcome me
i am at the mercy of god's hands
either way
i strive for truth
i am fully devoted
whether he delivers me or not
my life is not my own
i have sold it to the gods
for the mere chance of freedom
a wager well worth it
...
i'm yours,
kat
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