to all i've ever loved,
including myself...
this is all so lovely
i only wish you were here
so i could share it with you
my heart aches for you.
if love never leaves
then why do i desire your presence so deeply?
...
...
...
01/31/20
how can i be more honest?
it's almost a rhetorical question
just kinda echoing out into the void...
the distractions hide truth from me,
so how can i know absolute truth if i'm not being it?
it seems like i can only operate honestly at the level or state of being of which i'm aware.
and each time i peel away a layer there's another waiting.
i'll just keep getting closer to truth little by little.
that seems to be how it works.
i will be patient.
01/26/20
who is this character who does all of these activities?
who exists in and experiences whatever the current scene may be?
who thinks these thoughts?
it all seems so false
the only thing that feels real is feeling itself.
the only thing that holds truth is emotion
some teach that emotion is false and contrived
and i understand
but i also understand the paradoxical nature of this reality
and for me and my experience... emotion and feeling is the zest of life
without it i am not living... merely existing.
so… as i simply think about this character,
her activities,
experiences
and scene
it holds very little value to me
or rather i derive little meaning from it
im almost bored with it
it all starts to blend together
its all mundane
so, in seeing through the mind, it holds little value to me
except as a means to survive so i can continue to be the character
because it is all i can hold on to
through the mind… life is like a coloring book untouched
it’s interesting at first.. and at sometimes;
we can see the shapes and forms
but after a while it becomes so bland
because life seems lifeless
it’s fixed
its just lines
black an white
but… through feeling… through emotion
through the heart... through love
i am gifted with crayons of infinite colors
and i can choose to fill in the images in infinite ways
now i am in love with the coloring book because i am involved
i am the active process
i am the relationship
i am the creator
creativity is not about inventing a new gadget
or painting a mural
we actively create every moment of our lives.
so how can we increase our awareness such that
we gain autonomy over our thoughts and actions?
and create a life conducive to love and truth?
…. even writing this
i feel not here
im very present
but i feel removed
i feel distant
who is that who does not feel here?
and if she is not here... then where is she?
there is a deep emptiness
…and it’s not that something is lacking
it's not frightening or depressing
it's just so vast and... just empty.
i don’t know.
i always don’t know.
...
01/23/20
i feel like something is missing
like somethings not quite right
how can i recondition or uncondition my mind
so that i don’t blindly slip into old grooves
what is lacking…
well, nothing
but i sense an emptiness
and it’s not due to the lack of furniture in my home
it’s because i have nothing here
and that nothingness is not frightening
i actually like it
it’s just kind of sad
i only miss people
when im missing my self
when im so in love with myself
there’s no need to reach out
but im glad im longing… it’s beautiful
so… in this nothingness
really… there is infinite space and potential
i must shape this one to her highest self
what is ideal?
how might i treat all with complete respect and honor
everything as sacred
...
this is a sacred home, i whispered
as delicate smoke swirled around me
there is no place for doubt here
no place for fear
this is a space to cultivate love and light
to cultivate liberation for all beings
...
purity.
how can i be pure to the best of my ability?
how can i set the intention and follow through with honesty for myself?
wisdom. discernment. power. strength. compassion. love.
okay… i need to surrender COMPLETELY…
the lingering survival mindset… the scarcity mindset… they must release
i must evolve
i must create the conditions and space for this evolution to unfold
what does that look like?
breathe…
i love my space. it is perfect.
i am in love.
we nurture each other. facilitate each other’s growth.
we are in flow.
and i am in love with every action i taking
i am making love to the moment
all is so incredibly sacred
i resist nothing
i feel it all
i feel the ugly
i feel the mistakes
i feel the frustration
the unfairness
i feel the lack
the emptiness
i feel the clouded lenses that cover my eyes
i feel the discomfort in my body
the constriction around my mind
i feel the judgement
i feel the criticism
the doubt
the hopelessness
the incapability
i feel the confusion
the laziness
i feel the hatred
and i feel the burning desire to shed myself of these things
to become inextricably free
so i use loving discipline to mold me into higher being
“creating a beautiful sacred space for myself in which my soul is at peace and my dreams can flourish”
... it's always the same story. but each time it reappears, I can understand it with more depth.
...
01/22/20
to all i've ever loved,
including myself...
this is all so lovely
i only wish you were here
so i could share it with you
my heart aches for you.
if love never leaves
then why do i desire your presence so deeply?
...
i love you.
-kat
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