with each breath
i become more of a stranger
and an even greater friend
i become infinitely close to you
and yet we’re worlds apart
but no matter where i am
no matter what i am
i’m always here
im not going anywhere…
not really
one day you’ll realize
that distance is just an illusion
and time is just a lesson
and that we’ve always been together
right here
right now
dear me,
i’m yours.
with love,
me
…
i am weak
i wish i could be strong
i am lost
i wish i were home
i am distant
all i want, is to be here
i am suspended
gazing down upon endless circles
and spirals
loops
i am dizzy
and confused
it’s sometimes fun
and fascinating
sometimes nauseating
often frustrating
i try to become warm
with a single candle's flame
i try to love
but can only find mirrors
life
in a chasm
unaware of the spaciousness above
unaware of the wings on my back
and much less, of how to use them to fly
…
it is all so lovely
solitude calls me
but what will i do once i’m with her?
i’m so scared of empty promises.
…
a whirlwind of creation envelops me
but i cannot grab ahold of anything
i am torn
not knowing when to act
and when to listen
…
it’s all so dramatic
and simultaneously hilarious
meaningless
and the most precious thing i could ever know
…
moments of such scattered clarity
pulled into an endless sea
drowning
and all things drown with me
dissolving until we become the entire ocean
and i finally realize
“this is water”
"i am water"
but i still do not know what water is
i just know that this is it.
and in the same breath i say
“i am nothing”
"this... is nothing"
for if the water is all i could ever know
if water is all there is
i have no framework
for imagining a life
where water does not exist
it feels clear
yet i am more confused than ever before
it is a paradox
beautifully tragic
devastatingly lovely
…
seemingly
i cannot escape
a mouse on a wheel
but it now knows it’s running in circles
it can be fun
but it’s not free
…
i know of a love
i’ve never known
a contradiction, yes.
yet, somehow…
it's true.
perhaps we’ve met,
but i cannot be sure.
as if she stood in line behind me
at the cafe
we passed by each other on the sidewalk
shared the same train car
i caught a glimpse of her
behind the eyes of another
i felt her dancing with me
i heard her voice in the music
i felt her in each sunset
in every blade of grass
once we talked all night,
as i lay asleep dreaming.
she was there
in every tear drop
in every fit of laughter
in every moment of awe
she knows all my secrets
but i know not hers
she’s always watching.
and i don’t know where to look.
this love…
i’ve never read about it
because it’s not words
i’ve never seen it
because it looks like the wind
invisible
except for what it touches
this love,
i've devoted my life to finding.
this lost buried treasure.
i have no map.
so i feel my way there.
i am led by my heart
my intuition
i am led by faint voices
and i must be still and quiet
sensitive enough to listen
to whispers that cannot be heard with my ears
i’m on my way
...
tuesday may 5 2020
quarantine day 50
training day 34
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