tuesday march 17 2020
quarantine day 1
the past 6 months
life has been continuously gifting me
with periods of great stillness
i must embrace this completely
even when the stillness arrives unexpectedly
this is a gift
and i must not squander it
especially in coming to california
everything is so new
i want to move with clear direction
with intention
and clarity
and in this space that is now here
i have the time
to with care
dust off and polish my compass
now that i have arrived at this checkpoint
where to next?
show me the way.
simultaneously
may i rest in the now
and taste the moment fully
drinking every last drop
make me clear.
i want to be clear.
i want to be energized.
i want to feel love.
im so grateful for what is
but i want more
or less
or whatever is true
i want alleviation
i think the more
is underneath
so i need less to feel more…
this is not a battle of force
but of the power of surrender
not to destroy my enemies
but to achieve victory
through the realization
that my only opponent is my mind
and because my mind is me
there is no other to avenge.
<3
...
spartan meditation* insights:
*a meditation with the intention of "I will sit here until something happens" ... usually take over an hour.
the mind latches onto and labels anything it can
i actually have no agenda
i have no agenda
no goals
no purpose
i am free
free to the moment
i said..
“use me”
“do with me as you please”
“i am all yours”
“what i want i actually don’t care about”
“i want to be a servant of divine will”
so… all these things i want
all my hopes and dreams
i actually don’t want
and the reason i have any problems
is because i think certain things are keeping me from that future freedom
but freedom is not in the future
freedom is now
i don’t need the promise of freedom
i need the freedom that is here now
no goals.
no future.
it is all empty
so ill just simply enjoy the now and do things now that are pleasant
and in the pleasantness my future will naturally and effortlessly be shaped..
thank you <3
wednesday march 18 2020
quarantine day 2
nisargadatta maharaj:
“in the absolute I do not know that i am.”
…
all of existence…
a dream
beautiful
swirling color, sound, emotion
the lingering scent of love left upon each moment
a scent that cannot be captured
but is painfully longed for
as soon as you recognize it,
it is gone.
it is already a thing of the past
the moment is so infinitely small
such a precise point
ever flowing
that any label or realization of an event or experience
is but the mind
it is not presence
experience can only be held my the mind
it only exists as a thought.. a memory or fantasy
and that is why our existence
when we begin to wake up
feels so false and contrived
when we become aware that we are making up everything
that our identities are nothing but self-created concepts and perceptions
we are left with seemingly… nothing
however
the moment. what is true.
cannot be held
it dies
just as quickly as it is born
and when the heart is truly open
when you let go of these identities
that cloud the mind
and burden the heart
space is realized
the space that is love
so that each moment is free to pass through your being
and when the moment is free
when there is no resistance of what is
you become the moment
and therefore you are free
the ties of past and future dissolve
and you are boundless
in the eternal now
this now is eternal
for it knows no beginning or end
because there is no birth and death
for both occur simultaneously
this is love.
love is the something.
and that is more than enough. <3
…
i admit
unfortunately
that i cant always feel it
im not always in touch with this love
and that’s why i yearn for the love of the past
or a love promised in the future
thursday march 19 2020
quarantine day 3
do i stay
or do i go
amidst the pain
heaviness
and anger
i experience
in this isolation
it is as if something beautiful is trying to speak
and so i stay
awaiting her voice
but that hurt
is driving me away from here
take me toward a promise of love
i want to run away
into the hope and safety of healing arms
but no matter if i stay here
or flee to there
nothing truly lies ahead of me
but dark swirling emptiness
i can distract myself for some while
but the darkness is always waiting for me
around every bend of experience
the past truly does not exist for me
those events are of no concern
and because there is nothing for me there
i’ve looked to the future for hope
but i’ve looked for far too long
there is nothing there either
and so the nothingness presses on me from both sides
a suffocating pressure
forcing me into the now
and so all those traumas and worries
that the past and future once held
have been all pushed to the present
and now i sit with them
weighed down. heavy. clouds.
i don’t take them so seriously
for they are narratives i create
and so i am left with nothing
i have no agenda.
no purpose.
no meaning.
no desire.
nothing.
this could be a freeing feeling
but right now
it’s just sad.
nothing.
...
sometimes i review my entries and feel they may read as though i'm experiencing a bleak or desolate outlook or view on life. yes, i am having a human experience, so i go though periods of emotive sadness and happiness. however, in terms of the truth I'm attempting to point at or grapple with in my writing, "life as empty and hopeless" is is not the case... that is not my belief or experience. i just wanted to address this in case a friend or family member read this and was concerned :) i would never dismiss or throw away the human experience. that is the juice of life! life is both everything (love, joy, excitement, grief, anger; dreams and relationships; human connection; new experiences) but it is also a great mystery. that is the other side of the coin. and i am currently exploring that mystery, which is in ways very "empty" in the sense that it is so unknown and inconceivable. "emptiness" or "darkness" or "nothingness" are not negative things, their just the closet words i have to describing the mystery. "nothing" is not an absence of everything, "nothing" is simply something unknown. just as "nowhere" is not an absence of a destination or location... it's simply an unknown.
;)
much love
kat
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