thursday april 2 2020
quarantine day 17
training day 1
love is not always beautiful
it's not always sunshine
and warmth and softness
sometimes love looks like a monster
it is grueling
and relentless
and dangerous
yes, god is love
but so is the devil.
for it is the shadow
who provides contrast for the light
who shows us where we are lacking
and pushes us to be better
...
i have to stay angry.
whenever fatigue or helplessness or pointlessness arises
get angry.
i will die trying.
the thing is, life is pretty fucking brutal when i’m not in flow.
and i can let that destroy me.
or i can destroy it.
i must choose the latter.
otherwise this human experience will be nothing but a longing hope for some beautiful future to magically appear.
that future is not promised.
so if I’m going to be in pain
i might as well be in pain that is accomplishing something
because even though nothing truly matters
id rather use the pain to fuel action
directing me toward something
or so that i may help direct others toward something
than to waste away in self-pity and existential loneliness
i know i am powerful.
for certain.
without a doubt.
but i don’t know what to do with that power.
i don’t know how to use it
because i don’t know what to use it for
what is my purpose?
i thought i had one
but just like everything
its becoming increasingly evident
that my purpose is just some idea i created
and its not like i wasn’t aware of that before
but before i that purpose was backed by passion
and that made it real
and now… I’ve given up
because i don’t see the point in anything
and with a future so meaningless
without even a promise that tomorrow will come
i devote my purpose to each moment
to the very task at hand
…
i spent many days allowing myself to feel
giving myself permission to open
vulnerable to it all
and i see how important that was
as i am no longer experiencing any numbness
but then, staying in that place no longer served me
as i began to lose more energy with each breath
becoming complacent
dull
like i was being tossed about at sea
no will left to swim
or even tread the water
i cried to god
just tell me something
i was so frustrated that he never speaks in words
and that anger
it comes from so deep within
and it knows no end
it will complete exhaust you
to the last drop
it will die fighting.
that’s my secret.
when i believe i have nothing left
i can unlock a vault of infinite power
that power will drive me toward mastery
discipline
greatness
and i will be clear
focused
passionate.
this realigns me with the path
a clearer path than ever before
anger is not a bad thing
it’s not evil
it is passion
it is really…
love.
i am on fire.
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